Sunday, June 01, 2008

I just kept it to myself.

While in Fast and Testimony meeting today, there were a couple of long waits in between testimonies. As I had been listening to the first few testimonies, I had sweet witnesses of the spirit. A couple of women bore their testimonies of President Monson, and I thought of the incredible witness and joy I felt as I watched him enter the Salt Lake Tabernacle last month before April and I sang in Joseph Smith the Prophet.

After the first few testimonies, there was a rather long break before someone got up and bore testimony of The Book of Mormon. The thought went through my mind how much I love that book of scripture, and love teaching it to my 11 and 12 year old primary girls.

I have 15 in my class, and usually at least two of the 15, if not more, will bear their testimonies each month in sacrament meeting. I am always so proud of them and their examples. I thought about standing and sharing that with their parents and the ward.

Long silences are unusual in our ward during testimony meetings. So many of the primary children, and young men and women bear their testimonies. I love hearing them. I sit and fill my bucket listening to the testimonies of others.

During this long silence, I thought of the testimony meeting I went to in Honolulu, Hawaii 9 years ago. There was a 15 person line that materialized in the first 5 minutes of the meeting. My sister commented on how chatty the people are there and how their meetings always go over. I drank in every testimony and have wanted every testimony meeting since to be just that full, with people so excited to share what they felt in their hearts. I hate when precious testimony time is wasted.

My heart stirred that maybe I should go up. Ross was asleep on my lap. I woke him up and was thinking about what to say. I even prayed about what to say. I didn't want to do the travelogue thing, but I felt grateful that I had been able to watch Tessa graduate in Mesa, and that I had been able to see old, close friends and feel of their love. I wanted to bear my testimony about being able to sing for President Monson and how truly special that was to me, but I had told a few people about it before, and didn't want to repeat myself. I really did want to tell my class and their parents how much I love them, and appreciate their example, and about my love of teaching The Book of Mormon to them, but I didn't know what else I would say. I didn't feel that it was enough. But I didn't want any more precious testimony time top waste, so I was going to go for it.

Just then, one of the amazing, valiant girls from my class stood and bore her testimony, and then her father, and then her sister, and then her mother. I sat and drank it in again and the meeting was over.

I felt let down, like I should have realized sooner that the testimony that I was feeling in my mind and heart could have been borne out loud. The spirit was there from the get-go.

I went to my primary class and thanked the two girls that bore their testimonies, and I told them how I was going to, but then Sari did, so I didn't. They were disappointed that I hadn't. I told them what I had wanted to say, but it wasn't enough. I still felt that I missed some opportunity that I should have taken. Maybe one of their parents needed to hear how much I love my girls. Maybe I would have been prompted to share something that someone needed. I don't know, but I'm pretty sure that I should have borne my testimony in that meeting. Why did I hesitate? I'm sorry that I did. I feel that I was selfish somehow.

Opportunities missed are gone. I bear my testimony to my class every time I teach. We have a great time learning together about the scriptures. Those girls are taught so well by their parents. Maybe I just needed to share it more publicly. My children haven't heard it for awhile, but they are the ones that say, "You've told us that already, Mom."

Well, what is done is done. Next time I'm going up with the first sweet whispering!